Old Wounds Haunt

I met a man earlier this year. We “dated” for about six weeks, beginning to end. It started fast and ended fast. I am grateful for the short duration. He was not a good man.

I want to start 2014 fresh. Full of hope and dreams.

But, I can’t do this as long as there is still anger or unforgiveness lingering in this heart of mine.  As much as I don’t want to admit it, I've been carrying some residual anger and unforgiveness toward this man. Everything ended so abruptly there was no time for “closure.”

So last night I started typing -- all the words I wish I had said but in trying to be a “good Christian” never said any of it.

And, in not wanting to show anyone else how humiliated and hurt I was, I never really allowed myself to feel the fullness of being lied to and manipulated.

That changed last night. Lots of words “good Christian women” are never supposed to utter flowed from my fingers. It was very cathartic.

Cathartic only for a moment though. There has to be more than a few ^%$&*#’s and ^&%$# in order for true forgiveness to come.

But as an old pipe has to push out the mud and gunk for fresh water to flow, these words eventually came…

Old wounds haunt. Pain that is not dealt with causes destruction. And so much so for some people that they choose to live in a fantasy, drifting from addiction to addiction. They allow narcissistic behavior to lead them and in result, leave their own path of pain and destruction.

These people need Jesus. But not the Jesus of simple text devotions, the “in your face” Jesus that reveals ugly truth with the greatest love, compassion and kindness. Only true healing and wholeness can come from this Jesus.

Seeing these words helped me to finally forgive and let go of the anger I had been avoiding.

I finally know now in my head AND in my heart that what this man needs is Jesus’ great love, compassion and kindness. NOT the string of cuss words I wanted to unleash on him. I’m pretty sure that’s what he hears in his head day after day already.

I can never (and don’t want to) be this Jesus for him, and doubt I will ever see him again. But as with all life experiences, I hope this one will help me become more loving, compassionate and kind to others who’s wounds rule them.

There before the grace of God go I.

Looking forward to 2014 even more so now.  Here’s to dreaming!

When a Kind Gesture, Isn't

Years ago I worked for an organization whose founders were well known. Even hated by some. They often had bodyguards wherever they went and it was an unspoken that you did not talk to them unless you were talked to first.

I genuinely cared for and respected this couple so when they walked into the department I worked in, I happily bounded up to them to say hello.

A simple kind gesture letting them know how glad I was to see them, right? Wrong.

They looked at me like I had two heads and I immediately knew I crossed a line I should not have.

Telling my co-workers what I did the immediate response was,

“Jacquie are you nuts? You know you don’t just walk up to <blank> and say hello.”

“I know, I know – I was just so happy to see them I didn’t think.”

Recently, I tweeted a cup of coffee to someone I follow on Twitter.  (A REALLY cool new feature offered by Starbucks BTW) This person runs in very different circles than I do. But, we’ve followed each other on social media for years and I have met them in person so I didn’t think twice about it.

A kind gesture to acknowledge a pivotal moment in a “friend’s” life right? Wrong.

This person never acknowledged my Twitter gift and did not claim it.

I think I have two heads again.

I’ve pondered these situations over the past few days though and am reminded that,

Just because you think you know someone – whether it be through media or social media -- doesn’t mean you really do. Working relationships and friendships are built through regular “in person” interactions and Twitter, while fabulous, isn’t the same as in person. 

Familiarity does not equal friendship.

You think I’d know better after having worked in social media for so many years but no, I’m still learning. Always grateful to be learning!